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The Quagmire 500 is a race that was held in 76 SIT. It was over 150 miles long and had few rules on proper sportsmanship and duration of continued driving. It was won by Team MCP, which consisted of Brick Harper, Rys Tennant, and Mad Kat. No injuries by any were sustained except Tennant, who lost a hand in a crash.

Start

The race started at precisely sunrise at around 5:30 AM on the East Side. The start was signaled by UIA President Joe Darrah himself. Starting position was determined by who could drive the entire IHS in the fastest time. Each row was 30 cars wide with 21 cars in the last row.

  • <30 minutes: 1st row
  • 30-45 minutes: 2nd row
  • 45-60 minutes: 3rd row
  • 60-75 minutes: 4th row
  • 75-90 minutes: 5th row
  • >90 minutes: Fill in extra spaces behind 5th row

Team MCP started in the middle of the 2nd row because all team members had to finish to count the qualifying time and Mad Kat's Mazda RX3 had only been stripped of extra weight and wasn't tuned until just after the qualifying race.

Teams

There were no single drivers. Instead, there were 10 teams all competing against each other. Listed are the teams, finishing order, motto, and number of team members at start, followed by the number of team members alive at the point of finish for that team if applicable, and the standard vehicle, if applicable.

  1. Team MCP "To promote a new and better Internet." (3;3)
  2. Team NerdCubed "Helping people know what games to play and what games to hate." (2;2)
  3. Team r/atheism "We hate religion as much as we hate losing." (23;4)
  4. Team Anonymous "To tell people the truth." (20;16)
    1. White 1991 Ford Mustang
  5. Team Reddit "The front page of the Internet and the Quagmire 500." (35;17)
  6. Team Yogscast "The greatest 15 people on the Internet." (15;14)
  7. Team Atheist "Just a team of YouTubers who want to promote logic." (8;7)
  8. UIA Rangers "Money first, justice second." (12;9)
    1. Surplus Mercedes G Class (With custom 7.0L V8)
  9. Team Emo "Winning would help with the constant pain." (7;5)
  10. Fox Cola Foxes "Delicious! And our soda is good, too!" (4;2)
    1. ​Pink 2001 Jaguar XK8
  11. Team Google "New leader, new outlook." (30;12)
  12. Team Microsoft "Only the best in technology." (28;17)
  13. People's Front "Fjea sah, glei Wikia." (10;2)
    1. Navy 1990 Mercedes 190E Cosworth (With faux Wikian staff car decals)

Finish

The race ended at the capitol of the new UIA territory, the New Wikian Republic.

  1. Team MCP (Prize: $5,000,000)
  2. Team NerdCubed (Prize: $2,500,000)
  3. Team r/atheism (Prize: $1,000,000)

Rules

Few rules were in place governing any sort of field in the race, including safety. Most rules were in place to give racers in different types of vehicles an equal chance.

  1. Gasoline or diesel internal combustion engines only.
  2. Engines must have an output of 500 HP or less.
  3. No supercars. (Cars with a top speed of 175 or greater.)
  4. No engines with more than 10 cylinders.
  5. Helmets and 5 point seatbelts must be worn at all times.
  6. Sabotage of any and all of another vehicle's systems or functions is illegal.
  7. No offensive modifications may be made to the vehicle including rams, spikes, and armor.
  8. Airbags must be disabled.
  9. Cars must be made of any type of steel, fiberglass, or aluminium. Carbon fiber is not allowed except for wings, body kits, lips, hoods, trunks, roofs, and wheels.
  10. Headlights must be able to be seen from at least 120 meters away and taillights at 100 meters away.
  11. No alliances between two teams are allowed.
  12. Doors must be welded shut. Safety nets are optional.

Policy on Causing Other Drivers to Crash

From the rulebook:

"Ramming other vehicles, both intentionally and unintentionally, even if a death(s) take place because of the crash, the driver at fault is not to be expelled, disqualified, or given any sort of penalty from the race in any way, shape, or form. The race is to continue as it were; the crash for viewing pleasure. "

"...if one team member causes another member of his or her team to crash, he is to be disqualified from the race, but the team, if there are still any members racing, is to remain in the race."

Number of Crashes Caused by Team MCP

  • Team MCP
    • Brick Harper: 6: Martyn Littlewood (Fatal, Team Yogscast), Dusty Smith (Team Atheist), Onision Speaks (Fatal, Team Emo), Violenta Crez (Fatal, Team Reddit), Bob Johnson #2 (Fatal, Team Anonymous)
    • Rys Tennant: 3: Ben Unidan (Team Reddit), Mary Smith #4 (Fatal, Team Anonymous), Dan Cubed (Team NerdCubed)
    • Mad Kat: 2 John Doe #12 (Fatal, Team Anonymous), Alex Cupcake (Team Reddit)

171 racers started the race with a total of 

Rys Tennant's Crash

Towards the end of the race, Violenta Crez, driving a maroon Jaguar XKR Convertible, pulled up very close behind Tennant's green Plymouth Barracuda, in perfect position for a PIT maneuver.

Brick Harper, anticipating Crez's move, tried to save Tennant by PITting Crez instead, although the current speed of the group was around 150 MPH and Harper's car couldn't go much faster to be able to catch up.

Crez violently turned hard left and PITted Tennant so hard that Crez's front left fender was now dragging on the ground, due to his car not having a front bumper.

Tennant immediately spun out and lost grip, until he was perpendicular to the road, when his tires suddenly gained too much grip and caused the vehicle to roll 8 times on a grass field beside the road on the left.

Unlike Harper and Kat, Tennant had not modified his doors nor installed a safety net on the window, and the door came off in about the 3rd roll. Tennant's left arm was torn loose from the steering wheel where his wrist hung on the buttom edge of the body until the car went into its 5th roll and cut his hand off at the wrist.

Tennant received an advanced robotic hand 3 months later and made a full recovery.

Brick Harper's Revenge on Crez

15 minutes after Tennant's crash, Kat and Harper decide to take out Crez once and for all.

Harper and Kat trapped Crez's car between their vehicles and kept steering towards the opposite direction they were in comparison to Crez's Jaguar. Both of their front wheels were not in line with the road, but instead turned towards Crez's side.

Crez broke free by applying the emergency brake, but Kat swerved right to avoid hitting Harper, who still had his wheels pointed right. Harper stopped turning when he was just in front of Crez and then applied the emergency brake and the brakes at the same time.

Crez, at the time, was breaking one of the rules by not having his seatbelt on, although he did have them equipped. He also took out the airbags to save weight, and because the rules required it.

Crez went out the windshield and over the trunk and roof of Harper's Superbird. At this point Crez was on the hood of the car, holding onto the left hand pillar, begging Harper to not kill him.

Harper said to him, "I've wanted to do this since even before you hurt my friend." He then grabbed a monkey wrench from the passenger seat and swung it at Crez's fingers. Crez had no choice but to hope that the swing would not break his hand, but it did.

Crez slid off the hood and was ran over by Harper, and then by 5 other drivers. He was declared dead at the scene. In addition to his broken hand, his skull was crushed and both arms were horribly mutilated. His right leg was missing and was then found 32 feet away on the sidewalk.

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